Thank you all.

My, my.
There are so many things I want to say and so many things I want to share right now... Like how Weeping Angels scare the living tartar sauce out of me, how I made an awesome time capsule, or how angry I am about the new Sherlock Holmes adaptation.
I want to spew these things all over the internet with wild abandon, but the truth is that I have an apology to make.

To my friends and other people I know:
I am sorry that I've been such an absolute hermit lately. Just the other day, I realized that I haven't communicated with you guys in quite a while and that you must be absolutely pissed. I took pause, imagining how you must be feeling; sad, confused, angry. Maybe even betrayed. Then I thought of sending you all messages to make up for just a smidge of lost time. This seemed like a good idea, but I didn't do it. I was afraid. As you probably all know, I have a huge capacity to feel guilt. However, I appear to display a lack of empathy (I have empathy, I just hide it) and I am a master of procrastination. I'm also a coward. These traits do not mix well. The reason you haven't received word of me in a long while is this: I'm afraid of you.
Not afraid in a 'mimes are in my mattress, I just know it' kind of way, though. More like a 'oh god, I have friends now and I have to take care of myself so that I don't hurt them, but then where is my identity- oh no, I'm loosing my heart to a group of people, can I trust them with it- crap, I'm way in over my head- I think I'll just hide for a while' kind of afraid.
Basically, I'm scared of commitment. The ironic part is that I tend to get extremely attached to people.

To properly illustrate this fact, I have a rundown of the relationships in my life. You may skip this if you want. It's pretty boring.
I'm a person who grew up unable to relate to 'real' people in any deep way. My Mom's friends weren't interested in spending their time with a 4 year old and their kids were exasperating. Not that they were stupid or immature, of course. It's just that, when you're four, a two year age gap is HUGE. At one point, I had two friends who were a huge part of my life, but their parents didn't stick around. I lost them and it was at the age of 7 (3 years later) that I made a friend. Unfortunately, she had many friends and I didn't matter as much to her as she did to me. I had another friend around 6, but the connection wasn't very strong. I don't remember a whole lot about her, but she lived across the street and we would play sometimes. I remember telling her once that I would have to marry her when I grew up, because you're supposed to marry the person you're closest to, but she didn't share my opinion. She moved away when I was about 9 and I still can't remember what the feeling was like. It was probably awful. I had two friends near the age of 10, but they moved to Hawaii, leaving me with the best cat in the entire world and an obsession with Harry Potter (which was later suppressed due to someone saying that it was Witchcraft and therefore obviously connected with satanism.[I have since discovered that this is absolute bullcrap and I have the utmost respect for Wicca.]) At 9, I hung out a lot with my Dad's friend's kids when he had band practice. They were around my age and taught me things like how to hop fences, hock loogies, and generally act like a boy. They left for Austin, Texas when I was about 11. Around 12, I began harboring a rather hopeless crush on a boy. I am sorry to admit that the crush lasted until I was about 14. *Shame shame shame.*


....So, yeah. I am the queen of unrequited love, platonic and otherwise. Also, don't believe me when I say "I had no friends." I had friends. I just try my best to forget about them.
Also, this list is only of human friends. I had a multitude of imaginary, inanimate, and animal friends.

Soooo I guess that this is why it's easy for me to fall hopelessly in love with fictional characters, but can't hold a friendship with an actual human. I keep expecting them to disappear or reject me.
FUN.


You know what, though?? This is all in the past. I now have 4 awesome friends who actually care about me and aren't moving anywhere anytime soon. So I worked up some courage and opened my email today. 29 unread messages, 17 of which are from people who care about me. And I've been avoiding them.
Being closed hearted isn't being strong. It isn't keeping myself happy. Yes, I feel peaceful and calm when I don't have to think about other people, but that isn't how the world works. My idiotic human heart keeps reaching out to others, and nothing will stop that. I think I understand now. You guys actually help me along and make me a better person. I admit that it's totally terrifying to be shaped my other people, but it needs to happen. I need to grow and I need to feel. And I can't do it without you guys.
So I'm going to grow up and start fighting for my friends for once.

Thank you. Thank you for everything.