Personal Character Development

So I've been reading about Asperger's syndrome lately. I'm pretty sure that I have it and it's taking a lot of willpower to not go research-crazy (because self-diagnosis can lead to sketchy Real Life details later on. Hypochondriac, remember?). Still, I've learned quite a bit and I wanted to bring something up.

I am very good at bullshitting. I am not good at lying. Yes, there is a difference.
For example, if you ask if I did or didn't do something I was/wasn't supposed to, I will always tell the truth, even if it isn't in my best interests. This isn't only because I'm against lying. It's because I really can't lie in the first place. I'd fix my eyes on something boring, try to hide my face, and wonder if my skin was changing color, trying all the while to remember if the person I'm talking to is good at detecting lies. I get so hung up on them buying it, I end up giving myself away.
Bullshitting, on the other hand, is like telling a story. Sure, that's what lying is too, but when I bullshit it's to entertain. I love telling kids about the magical properties of coconuts, how to befriend fire imps, and just what the troll-to-ogre ratio is in the monster-hunting business.*
If people don't believe me, that's totally fine. It was done in jest and I lost nothing. I can bullshit all I want.
The trouble is, I've become really good at pretending to be other people.

I love characters. There's nothing quite as fun as slipping into an act, to take on alien characteristics.
I loved Heath Ledger's performance in Batman: Dark Knight so much, I adopted his speech patterns for weeks. I was so enthralled by Abed Nadir from Community that I still say 'Cool. Cool cool cool.' compulsively. And don't even get me started on the 10th Doctor.
It's all fine when it's a recognizable character. It only gets weird when your moods suddenly have character detached from you.
For example, yesterday at work I was putting books on a cart, talking to the new librarian. I usually have a meandering sort of tone, as if I'm somewhere else entirely. I also tend to mumble a lot and giggle at my own jokes. So I was talking normally, when suddenly our landlord walked up to me.
I straightened a bit and smiled. "Hey!" I said, raising my eyebrows and twisting my neck a little in a surprised manner. "How're you doing?"
"Not bad." He said, returning the smile. "How are you?"
"I'm good." I said, although I wasn't really feeling fantastic.
"That's great." He said. "I'm gonna look at some books. You take care now."
"All right, you too." I said in my most pleasant voice. I continued to sort books, holding a happy smile until he was well out of sight. Then I dropped the face, relaxed my shoulders, and went back to sorting.
What I did was insincere in the moment, but it wasn't meant to trick him. He would be more comfortable if I reacted really positively in that moment, so I did. It was a pleasant encounter and I think we both befitted from it in a small way.
And it isn't like every time I do this, I'm faking. My 'happy and polite' mode is a little amped up at work, but I'm sure that anyone who knows me has seen it. Usually I actually am really happy to see you. It just takes a tad bit more effort to really express it (or, sometimes, regulate it. Some people are put off by my 'mad loon' grin.).
Still, it might creep other people out to see me shift modes, as I'm sure the new librarian did. Sometimes when I'm in a setting where I have to be in 'happy, polite' mode all day, it really becomes taxing. Being on guard all the time, remembering which face you should be making, or what topic would be too inappropriate to bring up... It's really tiring.

SO if you see my face suddenly change after talking to someone, you'll know why.



*No, seriously. I told my neighbor kids about this. It was awesome.
**Actually, he isn't our landlord. I've forgotten the correct term. It doesn't really matter right now, though.

Friendship Advice?

My best friend and I hit a rough patch about a year ago. It was mostly my fault. When I realized that things weren't going smoothly, I, like an idiot, thought that if I stepped back and gave everything time, it would all end up okay. I thought that I was screwing it up by being too close to the situation.
I realized far, far too late that this was entirely stupid and quite possibly the worst idea I've ever had. My friend contacted me a few months ago and we talked things over. I thought that things, although not entirely patched up with her, were going to get better. That we might have to start over again, but everything would be fine.
This hasn't happened and I'm kinda freaking out.
I've considered just forgetting about the whole thing entirely, but that doesn't seem to be an option- I think of her every day and it hurts horribly every single time. I'm not exaggerating about this. Every damn day, I turn around and there's something that reminds me of her staring me in the face.
I know that I should never forget the impact that she's had upon my life, but sometimes I wish that I could.

I'm assuming that most of the people reading this have had friends before and kinda know what to do. I'm at a total loss and I'm afraid of waiting around any longer.
Thank you.



__________________________________

PS: Sorry about the melodrama. I've been trying to not talk about any of my crazy-ass emotional issues anymore because I tend to overwhelm people, but sometimes I need answers.

PPS: It's 2:12 AM and I'm really freaking tired, so please excuse me if I come across as anything other then sad/confused. I can't function properly at this hour without caffeine in my system, so I have no filters or recognition for what is or isn't appropriate. (I still can't tell if it needs more or fewer cuss-words. Wait, less? No, that doesn't make sense... What's the antonym of fewer, again??) I probably shouldn't even be publishing this right now, but I'm worried that I won't have enough guts in the morning.

PPPS: To make up for the drama in this post, here are some funny picture of cats.










PPPPS: I used to have a very impressive lolcatz collection, but I lost it when my motherboard overheated. =(

PPPPPS: How many postscripts can you make?

PPPPPPS: According to wikipedia, you can make an infinite number of postscripts.
"Sometimes, when additional points are made after the first postscript, abbreviations such as PPS (post-post-scriptum, or postquam-post-scriptum) and PPPS (post-post-post-scriptum, and so on, ad infinitum) are used, though only PPS has somewhat common usage." [source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postscript ]
As tempted as I am to push it to the limit, I think I'll stick with the 6.

ANGSTADY-ANGST, HURRAH!

Hello, world.
Despite what my last post may have lead you to believe, I'm actually not constantly depressed anymore. What cured me? I'd like to say the support of my family and friends, but I'm gonna be honest here. While the humans whom I occasionally let within my personal bubble of 5 feet (most notably Cooper McHatton) helped me feel a little less empty inside, what really cured me was the Vlogbrothers. I'm sorry, guys. You helped a lot, but there's something about John and Hank that reminds me that, despite our faults, we're all made of some form of awesome.
That being said, I'm not feeling too amazing at the moment. I have a doctor's appointment (for a check-up) in a few hours (I don't know WHEN) that I became aware of just today. I HATE DOCTOR'S OFFICES. I DON'T KNOW WHY. I can read all day about lympoma and sleep soundly at night. I can look at diagrams of tracheotomies and all I'll think is "Neat!" I'm the kind of person who thinks it's fun to stay up until 6:00AM on a school night reading up on torture methods on wikipedia. However, when I walk into that cold, foul-smelling office, I immediately start to panic. My throat feels like it's closing, I can't fight off the people trying to hug me or comfort me, and I'm afraid that the rushing sound in my ears will be my undoing.
So, yeah. I don't particularly like the doctor's office. On top of all this, I DON'T KNOW IF I WORK THIS FRIDAY. The days have been scrambled up on me and I can barely remember what I did yesterday, never mind the day before that. I really hope they'd call me if I skipped a day. It is VERY important that I find out if I work, because I have a therapy session RIGHT WHEN I F#CKING WORK EVERY OTHER FRIDAY.
<rant>
...And I've been staying until at least 4:00AM every night for the past week, my library book is due tomorrow, my friend Talon and I are trying to make things work between us (but I think we might be failing), I'm sure Shanti has sent me a new email, but I haven't checked it yet and I hope she isn't mad at me, I love math but I suck at it, I feel like a heel for not hanging out with Cooper as much as I should, the overuse of emotion among humans is stupid, unnecessary, and confusing, I don't understand women, I can't remember what day it is, I keep forgetting why I'm here and I wonder if I ever knew, panic attacks are rampant, the ninjas are all after me, and I'm pretty damn sure that the Silents are creeping up on me wherever I go.

AND THAT'S JUST THIS WEEK. A rather GOOD week, compared to what this month's been like.

</rant>

...Oh, and commas are CONFUSING, especially when I misuse them. Sorry about that. >.<
BAH. Anyway, what was I saying before my post was bombarded by ANGST??
Oh yeah. I'm not depressed anymore.
Wheee. <waves maracas/>

Season 5 of Doctor Who

I just started season 5 of Doctor Who.
Oh god, 10.
I'm feeling really strange right now. I miss 10 so much... But I'm glad to have 11. I really am. He isn't better then 10, but he'll do quite nicely.
I cried when 10 died. I giggled when 11's voice broke. I cheered when he finally found his optimal food.

Damn you, Moffat. I'm so confused.

Doctor Who is Insanely Angsty

I had a dream about Doctor Who last night! It was sad.
I was his adopted kid, and we traveled around in the TARDIS doing the usual Doctor Whoish things. Although it was SUPER fun, I had to console him about breaking up with people. Tennant's sad face is the most heartbreaking thing in the world!! I remember him angsting about how no one lasted and he was so lonely. Poor Doctor.... </3

...God, that is one angsty show. Damn you, Moffat. T.T

Girl Talk

This morning found me groggy and cold. I laid in bed for a while, seeing if any of my dreams were worth remembering. They weren't. I got up and pulled on my longcoat, still in my pajamas. Still a bit unsteady, I made my way into the living room and flopped next to Mom on the couch. She was staring at a number on her phone in silence.
Then, out of the blue, she said "I have the biggest crush on our roofer."
It took me a while for this to process, so I automatically nodded and said "Okay." In the 'good to know' kind of way that I always use when someone says something intensely personal. Then it hit me.
"Wait, what?" I asked.
"Well, you know." She said, leaning back. "Women like construction workers and fireman. We like guys with big hoses or hammers."
I nodded perplexedly.
"I like that he can swing a hammer." She continued.
"Oh! Like Thor!" I chipped in. There was a silence.
"His hammer is huge." I added in for good measure.
Another pause.
"I'm a Loki girl, myself." I continued in a mock-pompous voice.
This got a laugh from Mom. "What, you're into bad-boys now??" She asked.
I immediately got defensive. "No! I. No. I just like villains." I tried to explain.
"Riiiight." She said.

Should it be alarming that I had to bring in fictional characters to understand this conversation??

A Chain of Bad News, then a Bucket of Awesome

Right. So. Bad news.
Links have been adding to the chain of insanity these past weeks. Mom is a waitress and she hurt her knee in July. Weeks later, right before work, she broke (or fractured) her thumb. Then the restaurant she worked at closed. She's bored and out of a job. She's still looking, but she isn't finding much.
We had some plumbing problems last week. The seal around the toilet's base gave out, so Mom called a plumber. He was super creepy and called her 'mariposa' and 'carnitas', claiming to have forgotten her name. Before he left, he gave her his 'personal number' that she could 'call anytime.'
Aaaand he didn't fix the problem. The plumbing also backed up into the bathtub whenever we ran the washing machine.

So Mom called them again and had them send a different guy. He suggested that they blast out the pipes with a high-pressure hose (which would end up flooding our neighbor's house). Mom thought that he was crazy and checked his licence before he did anything. It had expired. She told him about this and asked if he had changed it or something. He replied that they did have a new licence number, but he was eating so he'd have to text her later... A while later, he gave her one that turned out to belong to someone else's company.
Mom reported him for not having a licence.

Just today, a water line (or maybe a fire hydrant? Not quite sure) broke in the street. The neighborhood probably lost thousands of gallons of water and they'll probably raise the price on our water to cover it.

Luckily, they just turned the water back on.



Bucket of awesome??
I met a person and traded contact info today. =)

Our neighbor was epic enough to give us a free pass to a week at the racket club, so we went over and swam in their pool. Actually, Alena swam and I read in the shade (I hate bathing suits so I swim fully clothed. That's fine for the creek or the reservoir, but not for a public swimming pool). Halfway through, a friend of mine (the Yugioh kid) came over, so I talked to him about Yugioh and tried to not let him splash me. Suddenly, a girl that I had noticed called out and asked "Hey! Girl in the skull shirt! Do I know you from somewhere?" I responded that I didn't think so. I went back to talking to my friend and got on the subject of The Hobbit (TRILOGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!). She swam over just when I was fangirling (which meant squeeing and jumping on one foot while flailing my arms) and asked if I was performing some kind of 'Japanese pop dance move.' I said that I wasn't, but that I did like Japanesy things. Then she asked if I liked anime.
By the end of the day we found that we both liked Neil Gaiman, Monty Python, Hayo Miazake, Nyan Cat, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, fangirling, DeviantArt, and glasses. She's 15, lives near my Dad's house (For now. She's moving soon, but she's going to stay in town) and doesn't often make friends. We swapped DeviantArt usernames.

I think I'm taking huge steps toward being a bit more social. =)
Which reminds me!! I have decided that 'friend' is an appropriate term for people I know and get along with.
So the people that I previously called 'people I know' are now called 'my friends' and the people I previously called 'my friends' are now.... Actually, I haven't gone that far yet. I'm thinkin that I should apply each of these terms to Vulcan, because they have very distinct social hierarchies. Here are some words for friends (found 'em here):
t'hy'la- friend/brother/lover*
katravahsu- associate/friend
telansu- someone with whom you share a close platonic relationship
fainusu- someone that you know well
ne ki'ne- trusted friend/warrior

I think that my newly promoted friends will be called 'katravahsu' and my close friends will be called 'telansu.'  Cool? Cool. Cool cool cool.

*This happens to be Spock's very special name for Kirk. Oh, Gene. You are a sneaky bastard.

Connections Lost- An Open Letter

Sometimes I feel as if our relationship is strained.
It's like you no longer want to connect.
I've tried to refresh our connection over and over again
But you still give me that blank look
As if I've done something wrong.
Sometimes when I try to do something, you lag behind and leave me waiting.
I thought that you liked the Colbert Report.
I've stared at my screen for so long
Sitting on the edge of my seat
Waiting for you to give me some sign
That everything's all right
But you still don't show.
It's like you just don't wan't to do anything anymore.
Sometimes I have the urge to just disconnect
And join some other damn network.