My best friend and I hit a rough patch about a year ago. It was mostly my fault. When I realized that things weren't going smoothly, I, like an idiot, thought that if I stepped back and gave everything time, it would all end up okay. I thought that I was screwing it up by being too close to the situation.
I realized far, far too late that this was entirely stupid and quite possibly the worst idea I've ever had. My friend contacted me a few months ago and we talked things over. I thought that things, although not entirely patched up with her, were going to get better. That we might have to start over again, but everything would be fine.
This hasn't happened and I'm kinda freaking out.
I've considered just forgetting about the whole thing entirely, but that doesn't seem to be an option- I think of her every day and it hurts horribly every single time. I'm not exaggerating about this. Every damn day, I turn around and there's something that reminds me of her staring me in the face.
I know that I should never forget the impact that she's had upon my life, but sometimes I wish that I could.
I'm assuming that most of the people reading this have had friends before and kinda know what to do. I'm at a total loss and I'm afraid of waiting around any longer.
Thank you.
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PS: Sorry about the melodrama. I've been trying to not talk about any of my crazy-ass emotional issues anymore because I tend to overwhelm people, but sometimes I need answers.
PPS: It's 2:12 AM and I'm really freaking tired, so please excuse me if I come across as anything other then sad/confused. I can't function properly at this hour without caffeine in my system, so I have no filters or recognition for what is or isn't appropriate. (I still can't tell if it needs more or fewer cuss-words. Wait, less? No, that doesn't make sense... What's the antonym of fewer, again??) I probably shouldn't even be publishing this right now, but I'm worried that I won't have enough guts in the morning.
PPPS: To make up for the drama in this post, here are some funny picture of cats.
PPPPS: I used to have a very impressive lolcatz collection, but I lost it when my motherboard overheated. =(
PPPPPS: How many postscripts can you make?
PPPPPPS: According to wikipedia, you can make an infinite number of postscripts.
"Sometimes, when additional points are made after the first postscript, abbreviations such as PPS (post-post-scriptum, or postquam-post-scriptum) and PPPS (post-post-post-scriptum, and so on, ad infinitum) are used, though only PPS has somewhat common usage." [source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postscript ]
As tempted as I am to push it to the limit, I think I'll stick with the 6.
Dear Spacemaster Rahel,
ReplyDeleteSometimes the people we love make choices we cannot condone. Sometimes it's healthier for us, to love them, and just accept them for who they are, but not really have them in our lives. Sometimes...That being said, there are no black and white answers. What is healthy for me, may not necessarily be workable, for the way that you in particular tick.
I personally am able to have, a great many people in my life, who's actions I do not condone. It occurred to me at some point, when I was much older than you are, that some people we love, can't help but choose their addictions,(whatever they may be, to drugs, their unhealthy significant other, etc.)over us. We are human, imperfect, struggling to find some pacification for our pain. One day I realized that I loved these people so much regardless,and it was time to let go of all my reasonable expectations, of having what I believed I needed to feel loved. If I wanted to have any family at all, I was the one left with the choice, let go, and love them the way they are, and STOP beating myself up trying to get something from them that they are not capable of.
You are a person strong in your convictions, I believe wholeheartedly, that you could not be swayed, to do anything that clashes with your ethics and morality.
Being close to this person, who is making poor choices causes you pain. Being absent from this person causes you pain, and guilt too I can see. Perhaps there can be found a happy medium? You do not have to engage in her undesirable activities, or pretend to condone them, to be her friend. Those of us who make stupid choices, need a good face slap from time to time. I say reel back, slap her as hard as you can! Tell her how much you LOVE her. Tell her, how scared you are for her. Tell her how scared you are for yourself, how vulnerable. Tell her how much you miss her friendship. Tell her everything!!! Most importantly, that you will always love her unconditionally. That means, when she continues to make the same stupid choices (because she probably will for a while, some people just need to let their shit run their course), there is still a place for her, in your big beautiful heart.
I still love her and I have expressed this to her on many occasions.
ReplyDeleteMy problem is that, apart from that one interaction, we haven't talked. I need to know if I should make the effort to keep in contact or if she still wants to be around me. I honestly don't know. Also, I don't know how to be close to her without getting hurt, and it's screwing the whole thing up.
I do understand the rudimentary workings of a relationship. I just don't know what to do in this situation, and my emotions are making everything hard to understand and deal with. Yes, I have 'let myself feel' things. No, I am not closer to actually understanding the situation.
It bothers me that there isn't a universal manual for this crap.