Existential Angst Under the Guise of a Series of Well-Constructed Sentences

I was at my grandma's house without internet today, so I opened up OpenOffice and wrote. Here is the wacky result.

_____________________

From time to time, I feel like an un-person. It is startling to realize that, if I were to die right now, the world would keep spinning. My life doesn't actually affect others that strongly, despite their vehement claims to the contrary.
I've had an increasing premonition that I am not exactly here. With all the media, opinions, and useless facts that I have gathered over the years, I am constantly reminded that I appear to just act as a vessel for information. I used to believe that we all contain an inherent personality, but I'm starting to doubt this. I've come to realize that our personality is like software that is easily mutable by outside forces. Although this is a necessary quality that must be present in a being that's main purpose is to store and transmit data, it does not cease to be disconcerting.
In the past, I've attempted to prove myself wrong by compiling a list of qualities that I thought would set me apart from other people and prove that I am, in fact, a being with control of my own thoughts and feelings. The results have been a bit saddening.
I have found that a worryingly large part of myself is based around books and TV shows. My love of Doctor Who and Neil Gaiman's works is part of myself, but it exists as a feeling that attaches itself to an outside source of data that happens to intrigues me- it is a link that I create to make sure that I don't loose the information.
This same process goes for my interest in astrology, my fondness for the word “defenestration,” my opinion of gun laws, and the loathing I feel when I accidentally use the word “gotten.”
All of these things make up a vast collection of connections to outside sources, storing and keeping track of huge amounts of information that appear to have little purpose in my practical life.
Although the exact grouping of these connections is unique to myself, anyone could (in theory) develop a similar enough pattern in their own brain so as to essentially become me.
Sometimes this finding makes me feel uneasy, which further fuels my paranoia and existential angst. What does it mean to feel uneasy about my feelings of uneasiness, and what purpose would it serve? None, as far as I can tell.
Yet the unease, this foggy emotional connection, must be important. It would appear as if everyone has experienced some existential angst as some point or another; however, this near- universal feeling does not seem to have a practical use in our lives. For example, the fear of snakes is entirely natural and serves a very obvious purpose, as does the fear of heights and of darkness. This connection to a possibly dangerous object or situation and a feeling of unease and repulsion serves a wonderful purpose- to keep us alive. Likewise, feelings of love, satisfaction, and exhilaration serve the same great purpose. We are wired to be driven to survive.
Our fear of the oblivion, however, does not seem to contribute to this drive; if anything, it tends to inhibit it. Why would we fear our own perception of the world if it cannot be changed? What purpose would the terror we feel when we look at a map of our galaxy serve if it does nothing to help us survive?
I may never know. We may never know.
In spite of this simple fact, the feeling remains. It is a connection that has been passed down for as long as we can remember, hardwired into our brains, universally emblazoned in our skulls as if it were the most important piece of data that has ever been recorded.
We must understand why this connection remains and, if possible, learn why it is there in the first place.
Again, this is a tall order. One that may never be attainable.
It is, however, worth a try.

A Rather Small and Silly Update

I've been a bit out of sorts since the 10th Doctor died. I know that this will sound crazy, but I've been mourning by carrying around a replica sonic screwdriver to most places and wearing a light brown longcoat.
...I've even considered cutting my hair like his. (I've decided not to because it would use too much gel.)
If this is what it likes when a character dies, I can't imagine what it would be like to have one of my friends die...
Friends, please do your best to not die. It would be awful for all of us to lose you AND have me go completely batshit. Seriously, I even annoy MYSELF.

On the more awesome side, I've worked a total of two shifts at the library so far. And MAN. It is hard work, but it ROCKS. I'm being PAID to carry and sort books ALL DAY. Love! <3

....Anyway, I'm not really sure why I posted this. Maybe to show that I'm still here? I dunno. I think I'm gonna email one of my friends. I've gotta see if I've been annoying them or something and that why they haven't sent me anything.
=)

Wrath of the Creators of Khan

GAAAAH!!!
News came out about Benedict Cumberbatch's (uber hot) character in Star Trek: Into Darkness!!
...It wasn't very fulfilling.

"When J.J. described the role [of Khan] to me… he described someone who was, in movie terms, a mixture of Hannibal Lecter, Jack in 'The Shining,' and the Joker in Batman, he's someone who has enormous physical strength. He's someone who is incredibly dangerous, both as a physical entity and through the use of various technologies and weapons and who performs acts of what I would describe as terrorism. He's also a psychological master. He manipulates the minds of those around him to do his bidding in a very, very subtle way." -Benedict Cumberbatch

Ooookay. He sounds epic. ...But who is he? Sorry Benedict, but you haven't told us much. How 'bout we ask Mr. Abrams, hmm?

"His name is John Harrison and he is sort of an... average guy who works in an organization called Starfleet and he turns against the group because he has got this backstory and this kind of amazing secret agenda. After two very violent attacks, one in London and one in the US, our characters have to go after this guy and apprehend him. And it is a far more complicated and difficult thing then they ever anticipated. 'Into Darkness' is very much about how intense it gets and really what they are up against." -J.J. Abrams

That... Is very interesting, but still tells us nothing. C'mon guys. It's just a simple question! IS HE KHAN?? IS HE?? If not, THEN WHO IS HE??? GOOD GODDESS, WE NEED TO KNOW!!!!!!!!!
I guess I'll just have to wait until it comes out, as if I were a patient person or something. ]=[

12/22/12

IN YOUR FACE, MAYANS!!

Season 5 of Doctor Who

I just started season 5 of Doctor Who.
Oh god, 10.
I'm feeling really strange right now. I miss 10 so much... But I'm glad to have 11. I really am. He isn't better then 10, but he'll do quite nicely.
I cried when 10 died. I giggled when 11's voice broke. I cheered when he finally found his optimal food.

Damn you, Moffat. I'm so confused.

Happy Yesterday to All- We Were Born to Die. =)

So... Uhm. Yeah.
Hello world, it is 2:34 AM and I am tired. I am not usually tired at this time, but I've been getting sleepy at 12:00  lately. This is much to early.
You may wonder why I am talking so strangely.(Typing? I dunno.) This is because I have just watched 24 Vlogbrothers videos... And it has made me into some strange John-Hank Nerdfighter hybrid. Or maybe that's just a Nerdfighter in general?? Dunno.
Anyhoo, I've been forgetting to check my mail... Failfailfail. I keep taking a few days to respond to stuff... And it might be making my friends mad. I won't know if they are for a while though, as it would seem. I think that they are tired with my taking days to respond to simple emails and I'm pretty sure that they are a bit exasperated. Or maybe a lot. Not sure. Maybe they're not checking because they think I won't respond?? No, that isn't right. Other people use their emails for important stuff. BAD, memory.
Yikes, I am tired.
Maybe my friends are trying to show me what it's like to not get replies for a while. That might make sense. Sometimes I get the feeling that people are trying to teach me things... Or something. If so, I'm actually glad about it. Learning stuff is good. Yes, yes it is.
Poo monkeys. My use of cuss words has gone down considerably, making way for other words. Like poo. And monkey. And Monkey's uncle. And other stuff.

Today was fun! I went to work today. IT ROCKED. Being shown how to categorize everything in the library was a bit overwhelming, but it was fun. The adult fiction wraps around confusingly and is sorted alphabetically, so that was confusing... And I've got to make sure to not mix the adult 398's (or was it 938?? Pretty sure it was 398.) with the kid's 398's. 398 is fairy tales and mythology, and most of it is not for kids... So I've gotta be careful of that. Don't want to scar some little kid... Have you read classic Russian fairy tales? I have. It's all about incest, fatricide, sororicide, and the occasional Witch-burning. Oh, and everyone's name is Simon. Anyhoo, besides from these slight confusions, the job is GREAT. OH!! And I was introduced to the adult Sci Fi section. HOW DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS SECTION?? I guess that I mostly went to the library when I was a little kid, so I mostly stayed in the juvenile section. But seriously. They have a WHOLE SHELF devoted to Science Fiction and COMICS. HELL YEAH.

Blaaaaahooough. Bla. Bleh. Bleesh.

It is now 2:57. WHY DO IT TYPE SO SLOWLY?? Or maybe it's because I keep going back to delete my mistakes. Darn.

Anyway, I am in a funny mood right now. I'm not sure why I'm lonely right now, but I am. Whenever I have any time to sit and just be in the moment, I get this funny feeling like I'm going to break down. Do you ever feel like that? Like you've just walked away from a car accident? Like you've climbed out of the wreckage, ducktaped your wounds together, then you're just sitting and waiting for the paramedics to arrive? But maybe you're trying to distract from the pain and trying to not go into shock, so you forget about it all and decide to pretend like none of it happened? I get the feeling that soon I'll wake up and I'll have to deal with having just recently climbed out of a car wreck. Maybe that's what that feeling is deep down inside. That sad feeling. You know the one. Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

Yikes, sappy or what?? Eesh, I guess I just needed to vent. I need to do this more often on here.
...Or maybe not. Whenever I try to pour out my soul at all, strange things come out. Should I just learn to live with this?? As Thomas-Sensei would probably say, "We all have strange things in our soul. And sometimes they come out! We just need to learn to accept them, welcome them... And let them pass." ...Or something like that. I'd try to see what Pol would say, but I'd probably just get referred to his evil one-eyed talking parrot. Oh well.
What was I rambling on about?? Oh yeah. When I try to talk about serious stuff, it all gets a little emotional and silly. Silly is good! Silly is great. But there is a time and a place for silly, and sometimes people don't want silliness all over their nice business suits. So I'll just keep writing this strangeness in my journal (which I have taken to calling my Tome of Troubles, on account of how dramatic and angsty my life must seem if all someone saw of it was my journal. (My journal's real name is Tim. Why? No idea.)). I'll try to keep this stuff in there, but sometimes I may have a funny urge to let it seep onto here. For all the world to see. Weird.

...OH GOD. It's the end of the world tomorrow, isn't it?? Wait. No. It's 3:13 now. IT'S THE END OF THE FREAKING WORLD, PEOPLE!! *waves invisible maracas!* ...Really though, I don't think that the world will end. I just thought that it was funny. When I finished the last paragraph, my mind strayed to my discovery of what I'd do if this really was the last day. Here it is:
If it's the kind of 'world ends in a flash of light, no warning, preparation, or time' kind of thing, then I'd want to do something new, crazy, and exiting. Actually, a whole bunch of things. I came up with the first 4 list items, but I just decided to add stuff to illustrate my point.

1. Jump on the beds in a mattress store
2. Hug a random person
3. Propose to the first person I see at the park
4. Say something nice to a telemarketer
5. Buy a homeless person some lunch
6. Sing Hedwig and the Angry Inch loudly in a department store (why do I always have the urge to do this?? The same thing happens at school too...)
7. Burst into the doctor's office (no, not that doctor. ...Sadly.) and offer all the children rainbow lollipops
8. Do the Time Warp on someone's kitchen table (and put your legs in styyyyle...)
9. Trigger a spontanious group-Time Warp-flash mob in the park (it's just a jump to the left...)
10. Come out as bisexual to my (non-immediate) family in roaring colors and style

...So what I got from all this is that, secretly, I want to be a spontaneous and risk-taking person. I think. It's kinda hard to tell at 3:29 in the morning.
The real question is... Why don't I do this right now?? Every day could be my last... But I won't. At least, this version of me won't. That Rahel you see up there is the risk-taking Rahel. The manic-pixie-girl Rahel. The Girl Who Was In Love with the World. (The Rahel that will take over and push the Publish button before reading this post, because she knows that the other Rahel will go back and delete everything if she read it. Blame all this madness on ManicPixieGirl!Rahel.)
She is not me.
I am a different type of Rahel.
Someday I might be the Rahel you see grinning cheekily out at you from the list above... And if that day ever comes, I will come to your house and do the Time Warp on your kitchen table. And you can join me.

Until then, I'll keep on being the Rahel I am.

Ciao. And greetings... From the End of the World.

Job!!!1

<sarcasm>Good news, everyone!</sarcasm>
I am a bit out of sorts at the moment. I think I may have fractured my left ring finger. It hurts like a monkey's uncle, although the swelling has gone down. Why is this a problem? Because my left thumbnail is about to fall off (no, seriously.) and I already broke my right toe a few days ago. OH, and I start my job tomorrow. <sarcasm>YEEAAAY.</sarcasm>
On the awesome side, I START MY JOB TOMORROW! YAAAY!! =D =D =D
I'm a page at a library. I'm going in to train at 11:00 AM. Awesome, right?? I get PAID to sort books. It's like a dream come true. =3

Christmas Time

Christmas with my Mom has always been an interesting experience. Today was no exception. We decorate late and celebrate in a short amount of time, but in those few days- BABY. You better be prepared to PARTY.
So there we were, decorating the house with cheesy vintage ornaments, menorah sitting proudly amongst the paraphernalia and fever of a Christian holiday originally stemmed from Paganism. We were blasting Hedwig and the Angry Inch and dancing on the couches and chairs, perhaps in a desperate attempt to get closer to the skies- a babel tower devoted to the delirium and mayhem that is the Corporate Christmas.

...In case that description wasn't enough for you, here are some pics. =)

Yes, that is a tinsel tree.
...NO SHAME.

Utter cheese.

Christmas menorah! =D

Chandelier of awesome.

Christmas town!

W00000!!!!11

What. A. LAMP.

One of Alena's gothic Haloween costumes.
It now sits, raven-like, upon the wall. Watching us. Looking for weaknesses.

This is what happens when you play Hedwig in our house.

A recent addition to our wall. Whaddya think? =D

...Why do we do all this? Because frankly, my dear, WE DON'T GIVE A FLYING FRAKK.
....... Alternatively, because it's fun.

Binary- Answer to Life?

I drew this just now, and I thought that I'd share it! Maybe I'll even continue with these. I've always imagined numbers having distinct personalities and relationships, and I'd love to share this stuff with the world. What do ya think? =D
(you can also see this on my DeviantArt.)

Doctor Who is Insanely Angsty

I had a dream about Doctor Who last night! It was sad.
I was his adopted kid, and we traveled around in the TARDIS doing the usual Doctor Whoish things. Although it was SUPER fun, I had to console him about breaking up with people. Tennant's sad face is the most heartbreaking thing in the world!! I remember him angsting about how no one lasted and he was so lonely. Poor Doctor.... </3

...God, that is one angsty show. Damn you, Moffat. T.T

Girl Talk

This morning found me groggy and cold. I laid in bed for a while, seeing if any of my dreams were worth remembering. They weren't. I got up and pulled on my longcoat, still in my pajamas. Still a bit unsteady, I made my way into the living room and flopped next to Mom on the couch. She was staring at a number on her phone in silence.
Then, out of the blue, she said "I have the biggest crush on our roofer."
It took me a while for this to process, so I automatically nodded and said "Okay." In the 'good to know' kind of way that I always use when someone says something intensely personal. Then it hit me.
"Wait, what?" I asked.
"Well, you know." She said, leaning back. "Women like construction workers and fireman. We like guys with big hoses or hammers."
I nodded perplexedly.
"I like that he can swing a hammer." She continued.
"Oh! Like Thor!" I chipped in. There was a silence.
"His hammer is huge." I added in for good measure.
Another pause.
"I'm a Loki girl, myself." I continued in a mock-pompous voice.
This got a laugh from Mom. "What, you're into bad-boys now??" She asked.
I immediately got defensive. "No! I. No. I just like villains." I tried to explain.
"Riiiight." She said.

Should it be alarming that I had to bring in fictional characters to understand this conversation??

TODAY IS A GOOD DAY TO BE A GEEK

HOLY FRAKK, I JUST FANGIRLED ALL OVER THE FLOOR.

KNDFBWNDBRGNkwaselnf'lqknrgoiendbwdbnfnERBHWRTH!!!!11

BENEDICT CRAPPING CUMBERBATCH IS PLAYING AN EXTRAORDINARILY HOT VILLAIN IN THE NEXT STAR TREK AND HE WEARS AN EPIC LEATHER COAT.

gaaaaaah..... <heartattack/>




...I AM PUKING UP RAINBOWS RIGHT NOW.

......................
................
...........

......

....I think it's time to go outside. u_u

Tell Me How

This is part of the reason I tend to refrain from singing. I just can't pull off a dude's voice most of the time. D=

Sherlock+Antiques=Implausible

I keep driving past this little antique shop... It's been catching my eye for years and today Mom pulled next to it so that I could take some pictures.

 This almost makes me want to write an AU Sherlock fanfic... But I just can't see Sherlock having an antique shop... Or maybe it's Mrs. Hudson's and he lives above the shop. I dunno. I just that it was awesome. =)

PS!! A couple days ago, I realized that I had become temporarily burned-out on Sherlock. I was pretty happy about this and thought that maybe there'd be a few weeks where I didn't think about Sherlock. A few weeks free from angst... But no. I rose the next day and found myself still a die-hard Sherlock fangirl. Ah well. XD

Sweltering Lettuce and Caution Tape

Soooo. Long time, no see. What's it been, a week? Yikes.
WELL. To start this thing off with a bang, I'm gonna share something kinda morbid and fun that I wrote! Ready, kids? =D

I took a certain pride in being dead; lying (arms limp, breath held, mouth agape) in an imaginary pool of blood, yellow striped caution tape surrounding me like a foreboding web spun by a crack-addicted spider. People would hurry around me, police lights flashing across the limp and untroubled form. 

The picture was messy, but there was a peacefulness to it and I took to imagining my own death whenever possible.

All of this is, of course, a huge exaggeration; While I do find playing dead rather fun (just as I like imagining what it would feel like to have a pencil shoved through the eye), it isn't all I do and I have no wish to die. Although death doesn't terrify me (much), I rather like being alive and I would like to keep it that way. XD
Maybe this would make a good opening for a book.... Which reminds me.
I HAVEN'T BEEN WRITING. O_O
And I mean ANYTHING. No fanfics, no graphic novels, no blogging, no snippets of books, no coding.... Not even Twitter. ALL WEEK.
I HATE IT. I'm going to get in gear and BACK into writing. I'm going to go SWELTERING LETTUCE. ...Or something. What's the opposite of Cold Turkey? Fresh-cooked turkey? Fresh cooked steak? Raw steak??
Whatever it is, i'm gonna do it. XD