Meat-Suits and Monotony

Hello all. You may be wondering why I haven't been posting. I've been forgetting to actually do things lately. How do people actually hold themselves together plus a family?? I get the feeling I'll never have the chance to find out.

So yeah... I've been pretty depressed lately. It has a little to do with the extreme bouts of existential angst I've been going through. Or maybe it's just plain old insanity. Anyway, I have not been faring too well of late.

I haven't been dealing well with the first-person perspective that life has given me. I think it's weird that I have a body that needs feeding and care. I've always been pretty separated from it, but it's been getting a bit weird lately. Eating is a strange ordeal, a mixture of pleasure from refueling and disgust at the fact that I have to consume lifeforms. Poor little carrot...

I also think that it's weird that I'm not omnipresent. Maybe this is why I like reading so much. I can walk away into a world where I can see, touch, smell, and taste everything, yet disturb nothing. It is, quite literally, an open book to me. Then here I am, with my limited eyes and hearing, floating around in this meat-body, trying to look at things! It's very frustrating. People keep catching me staring at them, trying to remember their faces, their emotions, what they're going through on their path of life. And they dislike it. They really do. They look at me from the corners of their eyes and shift away as if I might bite them. I should think that my interest in them would be seen as a compliment, but no. They act as if I am intruding upon their privacy- just by looking at them.

I suppose that it would be creepy to see someone stare at you as if they want to experience the world through you. I can't really help it, though. Every so often, usually when I have panic attacks, I realize just how SMALL it is in here. If I let myself go, I realize just how tiny the world inside of me is. It's usually comfortable, but when I'm distressed, it feels like a prison. It's dark. It's terrifying. It's confusing. And it's lonely. I am so lonely in here. I have my friends, but they feel fleeting. I know that it's just that I forget to put aside time for them, but I keep expecting for them to disappear.

Nothing is permanent. I know this. So it shouldn't bug me that I'm stuck. It'll be over soon anyway. It still gets to me, though. I don't like being trapped in this first-person meat-suit. It's too small.