Ugh

It's been way too long.

I haven't written anything at all in quite a while and I feel like it's stifling any wisps of creativity I had clung to last year.

I'd like to start writing for Cracked.com, but I don't feel like I'm cut out for it yet. Gotta flex my weak, nerve-damaged fingers and get back into blogging. Ugh.

I suppose that this will be good for me. Twitter is good for angst, but it has to be short angst. Tumblr would be good, but I know a lot of people on there and that "like" button is so easy to press that it makes me anxious. My journal is difficult because writing with a pen scrunches up my small fingers and cramps up my hands a lot faster than typing does.

First off, I suppose I should make a general update on my life.

I have a new(ish) friend. I might just refer to her as "BF"on here because 1.) she's my best friend and 2.) she has a spectacular resting bitchface. When she's actually pissed off she can shoot daggers out of her eye sockets. She's rad and she helps me out with my anxiety and how to interpret social queues.
The other day her boyfriend got in a car accident and broke his sternum. He's out of the hospital and doesn't need surgery, but I'm still worried about them. Jeez, that seems like such a weird thing to tack on. "Hey I have this great friend and also this horrible thing just happened so yeah." Moving on.

I quit Aikido. I went lame for a while and martial arts aggravated it a lot. That and the horrible stress of promoting made me decide to quit. I still miss it. The other day I tried to stretch my shoulders by grabbing my arm and pressing it against my chest like a half-hug and, much to my surprise, it hurt a little. This stretch has never hurt me before and I'd often wonder if it actually worked at all. Lemme tell you, it is an important stretch. I've been doing it daily since then and it's starting to go back to its usual non-hurting status. Fuck, I need to exercise.

I've taken up more work in the library system so now I'm working at two locations. The second library is much smaller and I'm the only paige so it's interesting. If I was allowed to go for more than twice a week things would be perfect in that place. Still, I'm doing my best to stay on top of it and my boss is really good at staying on top of the mess.

I'm out as transgender which means I'm supposed to correct people on my pronouns. Is there a polite way to do this?? I don't want to be a bother and it was bad enough telling people that I prefer "he."
On the upside, I feel much better about myself now that I've been binding. I've demoted my jackets from "constant companions" to "wintertime precautions" and it's been taking some getting used to. My arms are beginning to tan and by "tan" I mean "dim." Yeah that's right. I've been wearing shirtsleeves outside! Who knew all I needed was a flattish chest to make me soak up some vitamin D? It took us all by surprise.

Depression keeps trying to sneak its way back into my life under the guise of boredom but I am having none of that bullshit. My grandmother moved recently and she gave me her giant heart-leaf philodendron and I strung that up all around my ceiling. In addition to my other philodendron and my spider plants, I'm growing moss and two bromeliads- one given to me by BF, the other by Alena. To really push me into crazy plantguy/rainforest bushwacker territory, I bought a small humidifier to keep everything from drying out. God damn I love humidifiers. They make me feel like a lizard in the best way possible.

I saw my Dad a few weeks ago for my little sister's birthday, which I was late to because I had work and I had to find out through my friend's mother. We had a pretty nice time and I hung out with my little brother who demonstrated his idea of what a motorcycle sounds like -- a low clicking noise. That was hilarious.

Well, that's all I have for now. Please forgive the lackluster sentence structure in this post, I need caffeine and a better brain.

URL Change?

Good god, I need to change the name of this blog. "XTREME chibi Face!!" hearkens back to my awkward anime-crazed years. (he says, as if his current life isn't at all awkward.) Not that anime is a bad thing or that I'm not still into it- far from it! It's just that I don't want someone's first impression of this place (and, by extension, me) to be "hyperactive 14-year old weeaboo."

So yeah. Name change needed.

But what should I call this place instead? Mr. Munroe has a guideline.

This advice has served me well with my tumblr, ScreamingGnomeGenocide.tumblr.com (which, by the way, you should check out if only to witness my html/css skills, something not shown on this blog). However, I think that I should stick to album names with blogspot. Oxymorons also tend to be easy to remember.

Tales from Yo Mamma's Basement
Robot-Dragon Love Affair
League of Anti-Affiliates
Eulogy for a Cyborg Queen
Alan Leads the Machines
Gears Squish My Brain
Presume the Worse
Nothing Good Can Come of This
Gentle Dreadnought
The Cynical Optimist

...At a certain point they become too cheesy. I'll keep trying, though.

Blogging my way around writer's block

I stopped posting on here a while ago because I was afraid of offending people with my odd worldview.
Granted, sometimes I was actually being ignorant or assholish and it was wonderful that people pointed this out to me and prompted me to learn more about the world. That's great, but I became extremely hesitant to post about anything at all.
I've recently re-grown the courage to express my viewpoints and stick to my own moral values- only this time I think I have a better grasp of how to listen to people and actually judge if something will come across as offensive before I post it.
I think it's time I started writing again. That Star-Trek novel/fanfic isn't going so well and I feel like I need a place to exercise my fingers- so you can soon look forward to many rambly posts about the future of pie. You're welcome.

I'm Still Learning to Ask for Help

So I was going through this blog just now and I realized something mind blowing.
When I gave my therapist an estimate of how long my last bout of depression lasted, I guessed about 6 months.
Out of the blue today I got curious as to how long it actually was so I went archive diving.
This post was made right before depression really hit: Horse Sh*t and I Fight the Blues
And here's when it went away: Rain, Rain, Stay All Day!
They're posted a year and 13 days apart.

I'm not sure how I should feel about this. Proud that I lived through it? Ashamed that I didn't seek help? Fearful because even my closest friend didn't know just how bad I was and for how long, indicating that I really am terrible at verbally/facially/physically expressing emotion?

What I do know is that those were really tough times and I should have talked to someone and gotten help, but I was way too scared to open up.
I'm not sure how many people will actually read this, but it can't hurt to add some helpful links.

• Toll free suicide hotline- National suicide prevention lifeline
• Free online chat-based support for anyone suicidal or going through a crisis (for people like me who don't like talking)- IMAlive online crisis network

Please please please get help if you're going through something. The calls and chats are anonymous. Just delete 'em from your history if you don't want anyone to know. Don't let pride, fear, or concern for other people's peace of mind get in the way of your own mental/emotional well-being.

Creak

Hey, all. I guess. Does anyone still read these? Probably not.
I just wanted to write some stuff down. Then throw it into the net. Because it makes me feel better imagining someone reading it and maybe even enjoying it a bit. I dunno.
Anyway, I'm sick. Forth or fifth time this year. Usually it's just a small cold that clears up in a few days, but not this one. I've been sleeping too much. I had to take a day off work. I can't really speak or hear because my sinus issues are affecting my ears. And my eyes are constantly gumming up, so I can't see very well either.
I have my Anthropology final on Friday, so I'm worried about that.
Alena was getting stir-crazy, so she and mom left the house maybe four hours ago. Or something. As I'm sure you know, my brain is spectacularly good at being paranoid and I keep seeing and hearing things that aren't there with my debilitated senses.
I feel lonely but I don't want to go online because I don't know if I can keep myself from saying rash things to whoever's on. Like exposing my deepest secrets and insecurities to someone online who I don't know very well. I'm in a weird mood! It could happen.

Usually when I'm in this situation, I sing. It makes the house less quiet and it gives me something to do, reminds me that I'm alive and that I have a place in the world.

I can't make noise above a croak and even that hurts.

So yeah. I'm kinda bored and scared and sad. Not really sure what to do about it, though.
Maybe I'll post more crappy poems later. That'll class this place right up. I should make one about tapeworms.

Crappy Poems from 3:25AM

I don't pull out maggots
I don't pull out gore
I'm not even sure
What I was looking for.

I lost it in here
I'm not sure what it was
Spare me your tears
And spare me your gauze.

It must be here
Although I've looked
I've a feeling that they've all cooked
A marvelous plan beneath my own skin

I'll pull it all off
To be whole again.

I tear through the skin
And with spoon I dip.
Aha! Here we go- A tracking chip!

Do not be frightened!
Please don't be alarmed!
Don't you see- now they're unarmed!

They won't find me ever.
Don't matter where they look.
They'll never find me!
I'm not in their book.

Update

Okay. So.

I know that you people haven't seen much of me on here lately and I apologize. Also, by "you people" I mean the Russian scraper robots who seem to be really interested in what I have to say. And by "what I have to say" I mean the sparkly gifs that I embed among my angsty keyboard flailing.

...But I've digressed.

I thought I'd give the robots a little update on my life. Because what the hell.

____________________

I'm going to college, taking Cultural Anthropology from Patricia Taber, one of the cooler people I've met thus far.

I have formed a classroom alliance (I refuse to use the term "study buddy") with a girl in my class, and she's super cool and nice.

I have not picked a major, but I'm thinking about taking some child development courses with the aim of becoming a special ed kindergartner teacher. Because I like children.

I'm also thinking about becoming a dentist. Because I want to stick sharp things in people's mouths.

Yu Gi Oh kid moved to Portland.

Shanti moved away to a location I probably won't disclose.

Talon and I haven't talked.

Cooper is also taking college, so I don't see him that often. We text a lot, though. I recently got a Droid Ultra Android. It's pretty schwanky.

We finally found a home for our obese beagle. He lives with Deina and Naomi now.

I'm getting closer to my coworkers and I'm almost to the point where I can probably see them outside of work with minimal stress.

Mom has a cool nerdy boyfriend who also served in the military as a paratrooper (I believe). He's a paramedic now, but he doesn't like it very much because he gets lots of false alarm calls and no sleep.

I'm working on my blackbelt in Aikido, which is cool but really scary.

I hurt my right knee, so now I walk like an old man when it rains or I push myself too hard.

I still get depressed every so often, but I don't really have the time to deal with strong emotions, so I ignore it.

I've gone down from 3 panic attacks per week to about 1.

I've been seeing a therapist, which is funny because I'm bad at verbally talking about my problems. I'm slowly getting the hang of it, though.

I don't have writer's block any more, but I still haven't found the time to write. I do know where I'm going with my huge, all OC cast, novel-length Star Trek fanfic and I've pretty much nailed down the plot.

Cancer has caught up to my grandfather. It took about a decade and I think he's technically a survivor now.

He's told me that he's proud of me and that I'm a smart kid.

He gave me his car.

I fixed the horrible huge banner on the site.

I think I'm also going to change the background again.

___________________

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm NOT dead. I'm sorry if I scared you, little robots.

I will try to post again, maybe sometime in the next month or so.

Live long and prosper.